There's been so many things that I could have updated for, but I always seem to waste away by the time I'm in my blogging mood (that is, late at night). On to tonight's topic.
This has been a turning point for me tonight. I think God has really gotten through to me now. I don't feel that I'm where I should be in my relationship with Him. I spend way too much time on the computer, spend way too much time pointlessly surfing and wasting my time. I'm always chasing new ventures and never finishing anything.
And in all of that, I neglect my relationship with Him.
Usually my time with God consists of a quick five-minute reading of the Bible. I've come to realize that He calls me to more. There's no possible way I can have a relationship with Him in five minutes per day.
I hate where I'm at.
God's really just been pounding into my head that knowing Him is all that matters, and at the same time I've been slowly learning that through my own experiences. Tonight I saw a drama at my church that really nailed this into my head, which I'm so glad I saw.
Success doesn't matter. I've been trying to better myself all this time, trying to learn a million things. I'm sure that can continue, but only once it's been devalued and placed below my relationship with God.
Even the things I do for God don't matter as much as my relationship with Him. That's really hard to grasp, though less so now that I'm starting to realize that the things I've been "doing for Him" are really things that I "want to do for Him." I can truly say that I can't confidently say that I know God is calling me to do the things I'm doing and the things I plan on doing for Him. That's because I don't know Him. At this point, doing things "for Him" is useless: it's grasping for the wind, because it's me compacting God into my own little box of desires. If He wants me somewhere else, I better work to find out instead of telling myself what He wants for me.
Too bad a lot of this conflicts with the beliefs of my parents. They are very concerned about monetary issues and I think they have the exact same problems as me. The barriers I'm trying to break through also bind them. I know this because I inherited those barriers from them. They won't listen to me if I try to tell them these things, either. There's more tension between me and them at the moment, but I don't know if I'm the only one feeling it.
To begin this new stage, I'm going to cut down my time on the computer. It's been an addiction in the past, and it's still too much of a presence in my life. If it takes away from my relationship with God, then I should cast it off. I trust that if God will use me through computers, He will bring me back to them later, when I am more mature in Him and can handle the responsibility without my relationship with Him being affected. It's difficult, but I need to work at it.
I beg anyone reading this to examine their own life. If there's anything that you have placed above God, tear it down. Be honest with yourself; you have nothing important to lose. The possible loss may seem significant, but if you compare it to a relationship with the One who created the universe, there is no comparison. The only thing that matters in this life is a relationship with God. If you don't have it, get it. If it's not as good as it should be, make it. Good luck. And don't worry, you have God on your side. But the whole world is against you.
Flames,
Burning away mediocrity.
Smoke carries away old burdens,
Distractions dissipate into oxygen,
And purity results.
Shining,
Gleaming in the light of the Jeweler,
Not melted but strengthened,
Made more beautiful from
Failures, and ultimately
Success.