I want to make art that expresses or visualizes or evokes certain ideas or images or emotions.

But it takes time, which I need to dedicate to studying the Bible and in quiet study and reflection with God (in prayer and meditation). I need this and have a hunger for it. There is such a thing as spiritual starvation.

Then I end up doing neither.

The Theory:

Often I'll be hit by the realization that everything within a genre sounds the same. Or everything has elements of something else in it. How am I supposed to be original in this world? But then, does it matter? To God, I suppose not, as long as my heart is in it. To me, though, yes (it's difficult to put my whole self into something that I perceive as a ripoff).

Then there is the omnipresent desire to make something that really graces the lives of others. Unfortunately, in my case, it's more pride-swelling than a longing to bless people.

All I really want in the depths of my spirit is to make music that praises God in a clear way, with lyrics (not necessarily sung) that correspond perfectly with the music and are intensely intimate, personal, and glorifying to my Creator. Also, it all must be original in that I'm not reminded of any other musicians when I hear it; that way, my listening or playing experience would be one between me and God only.

(Note the contradictions between the previous two paragraphs. Oh wretched man that I am!)

I see people who put out some beautiful music with lyrics that are nonsensical and seemingly meaningless to everyone but the writer. I want to write lyrics that are completely personal, yet immediately accessible to others who hear them.

Others create art that doesn't stand out. I've seen movies recently and thought "so much work went into that movie, but now I'm leaving the theater wholly unchanged. I'll most likely forget about this in a week, and go on living." I want to write something that'll leave people changed. Everyone has CDs or movies or books that they cherish for years because of the impact of those things on their life: that's what I want to create.

It's strange, but I think I want my work to be well-known and affect many people, but I don't want to be famous.

And though it's been done before, I'd love to make a thematic work of several songs (with visual imagery) of apocalyptic material. Jesus' return will be amazing and immensely terrible at the same time, and we're usually too concerned with the here and now to realize the eternal scope of things. How different our lives would be if we had insight.

The Reality:

I keep going to the same chord shapes and progressions every time. How do I expand? I want to break out of this bubble, this box. And when is the best time to make that creation you have as a lifelong goal? There's a time for learning, and a time for creating. Miss your prime or jump the gun and you'll always live with the knowledge that what you have made could have been made better, a thought that will haunt you every time you improve.

The Random:

If album art was equal to musical quality and intensity, I would be a happy, happy, guy. I'm so sad every time I find an amazing album that's embarrasingly ugly in the visual realm.

What is music? What are sound effects? Where is the line drawn? I have thought about making stories with music and sound effects, taking you somewhere without the visuals. But I've listened to some "nature + music" recordings lately and, while relaxing, it's tough for me to imagine the place where the sounds were recorded. Still, lots of ideas really need non-musical "help" to be fully appreciated (something I wish would not be so ignored by many). An apocalyptic soundtrack, for instance, really needs sound clips (effects, dialog, etc.) to fully communicate the horror that will present itself in the future. And how often have I been disappointed by a thematic album in a genre not at all befitting the subject? Metal operas? A folk interpretation of the end of the world? A bluegrass epic journey?

(alert: I mentioned apocalyptic things a lot because Zao's The Funeral of God is on my mind lately. Great lyrics, but the music hardly does them justice most of the time.)