Since the last entry, I've come into contact with her a lot more. In particular, I now sit at her lunch table (my friend is good friends with others at her table). Needless to say, it's been both blissful and nightmarish sitting there. She's directly across from me on most days, but I can't look at her. It's horrible. When I make eye contact with other people, I feel as though they're looking straight into the very depths of my soul; I think my visage betrays certain feelings I have toward any person as well.
Just knowing that she is across from me makes my heart flutter.
(I never know what to write in this diary: if I'm too talkative or what, or if I should write more poetic or more rambling on like the inside of my brain)
Then today, at graduation practice, she was waiting around before the panoramic picture and when I came in she dropped behind me, ending up next to me for the longest time. Neither of us ever said anything, except I asked if I could do bunny ears on her for the goofy picture. Then afterwards, as we were leaving, she coincidentally got behind me.
Okay, that was pure coincidence, but like anything that takes place with her, I inflate it and scrutinize every minute detail, inventing secret meanings that I wish to be signals to me that she likes me.
Dang that sounds pathetic, but I guess that's the way of infatuation.
Now, it may seem like only my cowardice stands in the way of anything happening between us, but there's now something else. A guy at school is making the moves on her: she's taken. ARGH I hate saying that because it sounds like I'm objectifying her. ARGH!! Anyway, what's worse is that this guy is a really good guy. And he's exactly like her(very quiet and shy). And they're perfect together. And there's no way in the world that I can dislike him (besides, as a Christian I shouldn't anyway). And in all reality, I should wish them the best.
Being a captive of emotions stinks.
And now I come to the part about why I can't have any special relationships right now: I can't love. Yes, all of this with Rachel is still infatuation. As you read this, do you see how I almost worship her? It's dangerous. Love serves; love would want the best for her, no matter what happens. Love would say "Go on with the other guy, I can see he is the piece that completes your puzzle." Infatuation is selfish. It's disguised very cleverly. It sneaks up and clouds your mind with a false love (lust) and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. When it has you in its grip, you are completely convinced that it's the real thing, not some cheap imitation. Unfortunately, most of the time you're being cheated.
And so, here I sit, my heart ripped in two by my own doing. I still wonder daily if this lust is only a thin veil over a deep love, a hurdle that must be jumped to win the race. I have it all together in my mind: hopefully you can clearly see that I realize that I am misled by my own emotions.
The hardest part about my life, though, is moving in opposition to my feelings. Feelings override logic, and when you cultivate them and want them to grow (even though you know better), they bloom into huge, beautiful thorny vines that grow up around the shoots of your spirit, choking that which is good and rooted deep inside.
Torn in two,
Blackness of intention
Fogs virtue and morals.
Disguised,
Emotion consumes all,
Breaking will with a flood of feeling,
Enslaving me.
Will I ever learn to love?