Just want to mention up front, that I didn't know what to make my user name for this. I didn't want it to be the typical one I use for everything, so I picked something that matched what I was going through at the time I signed up: Slav2Emoshuns. I dunno if I like it, but I'm stuck with it now; I guess I can have some rest in that it's fact and not something that doesn't accurately represent me, no matter how corny it sounds.
Hopefully this'll be a nice place for a certain chosen few to peer into the deep recesses of my mind, and for me to look back in the future on what I was going through at certain times, see how much of a dork I was, and see how I've matured. On to the meat of my first-ever entry.
Lust has an overwhelming grasp on my mind right now, it's so hard. Lust and pride are the two hardest states of mind I deal with in my life; they are the thorns in my side, and the root of a good portion of my sin. C.S. Lewis said pride itself is the root of all sin, and I can definitely agree with him there. I'm not sure if the lust comes from the pride, though: I guess it does partially, with the rest of its origin rooted in the gradual corruption of my mind over several years of attending school.
The things us kids did in grade school just stay with you throughout your life....I'm in the process of trying to remove them from my life right now. The dirty jokes especially...dang I think 2nd graders know enough about the human body and sex to teach health class.
Anyway, those things tear at your mind so much when you're older, it's maddening. Purity is easy to pledge, harder to hold to physically, and near(if not) impossible to uphold in one's mind. I obviously don't do anything physically, but lust comes surreptitiously when I least expect it, or when I most expect it as well.
Straight to the point: Rachel. She is so beautiful, and I'd like more than anything to at the least ask her out. My mind is so freaking crazy: I have thoughts of marriage! She doesn't even know I like her, how stupid is that?! Since I'm saving dating for figuring out if I should marry someone(which, btw, I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I'm going to handle the whole dating thing), whenever I like a girl I immediately start thinking about her qualities and if she would make a good wife.
I know so little about her, though.
And I know I can't possibly date her.
Why? Because the feelings I have for her are pure lust. Okay, maybe not pure lust; obviously admiring her other qualities like musical tastes, Christianity, and softspokenness can back me up there. But the point is: the part of the attraction to her that I harbor--the part that has tight control of and wildly fluctuates my emotions--is mainly lust. In my heart, I know that a relationship based on that cannot last. Until I can develop a true love for her that will stand the test of time: Christian love based on God, a love that is selfless and only serves, a love that endures past physical shallowness; until I develop that love, then beginning a relationship with her(or any girl) will do more harm to the both of us than good.
I learned that with Nicole, my first girlfriend. I'm afraid to call her my girlfriend, though, because I was so lost and had no idea at all what was going on. I want more than anything for that to be blotted out from my history, not because of her personality or anything, but because of my immaturity and rushing into a relationship when I was fully unprepared. I blatantly violated my moral principles; my parents saw that and told me not to, I got mad at them for that! I was so blind! ARGH it just makes me so mad to see that!
And I have fallen under the same spell of my emotions, put on the mask of lust, romantic "love", whatever you want to call it.
My feelings for Rachel are so selfish that I make myself sick. When comparing it to 1 Corinthians 13, there is no contest: I am clearly under the influence of Satan's tempting power. I'm at war with myself, for goodness' sakes!!! When I see her talking to another guy, I become jealous. I'm jealous because I want her all to myself, I don't want to share any of her. I, I, I, I, I. Notice any consideration for her feelings? Her need for friends? Didn't think so. Any relationship I had with her would be so constrictive it wouldn't be funny.
Selfishness, jealousy, what have I gotten myself into? I feel so empty. I need God. There's so much I could type in this diary, but I think I'm going to sign off and get to work on my dove animation. That's another diary altogether ;)
For those of you who are having similar problems with the whole concept of love and struggling with a fake love(read: lust) that the media has tried to falsely pass off to our generation as true love, I just would like to point you to this URL for some advice on figuring out what the heck is true love and when to know you have it:
http://www.askwendi.com/article.cfm?ArticleID=13
or just http://www.askwendi.com
Dear God, clear my mind of filth. Replace it with Your Love, the true Love that exists for all people; the love that when in me, would enable me to love all people, regardless of anything they do to me or what they look like or how they act. I know because of my human nature I will never truly be able to love everyone, but I know Your Love will increase my love for others a ton from where it is now. Cut my pride out from underneath me, God; maybe it's a hard fall that I need to open my eyes. My flesh is warring with Your Spirit inside me, God; give me strength to defeat the sinfulness that struggles so hard and so endlessly to overtake my soul. Direct my eyes so that they do not sin against me, God, and be with me in the days to come that are full of stress, trials, and temptation. Amen.