My parents want me to.
This is my dilemma.
My life is falling apart.
This weekend I'm probably going to be floating the idea of me staying behind and not going to college (at least in the immediate future) to my dad. I've told my mom, and she's having some trouble digesting it. I know it'll go over a lot worse with my dad.
It's my parents' dream to send me off to college and see me get a well-paying job and then go on with my life from there, etc. etc. ad nauseum. But I'm not so sure that's what I want to do. There are so many reasons. I'll try to mention only a few here.
First off, music is a huge part of my life. I would like nothing better than to be in a metalcore band that serves as (at the least) a positive example to all those kids out there who are bombarded daily with the trash in the media. They need something better than that. I don't want them to settle for anything less than the best, morally and quality-wise. Of course, I'm having doubts as to my ability to create quality music, and I've always had those doubts.
Second, I don't want to be going to college just for the sake of being able to go out and get a "good job" later on in life. I don't want my life to revolve around a job, money, or possessions. My whole life up to now I've been well-provided for, and I thank my parents for that. However, my relationship with God has suffered. I don't blame my parents, though, because they did what they could to raise me well. The fact that I see that the relationship needs attention is proof that they have taught me well. It's just my weakness that, at this point, my relationship is stronger with God when I have harder times and such. Maybe I do need a dose of that; I don't care, I'm willing to go through it if it means a closer relationship and a chance at ministering to others (yuck hate that word). Right now I look at a middle class lifestyle negatively: it's a personal choice for me.
School. I've given my all for the past 12 years in school. I've gotten good grades the whole time, and it's sapped me dry. I need a break like mad. My stress levels are through the roof. I know the argument can be made that working on my own, etc. will also have high stress levels...
The people at college are not the people I want to be around. Sure, I'd stay in the Christian Campus House and be pretty close to Christians, but those just aren't the Christians I'm interested in hanging around with constantly. Obviously, all Christians have a common bond in Christ, but there are differences of taste, opinion, etc. I apologize for generalizing here, but the people in the Campus House would most likely be "mainstream" Christians(yuck, stereotyping = bad!!) who fall into the trends: they've easily been duped by stuff like WWJD, Prayer of Jabez, Left Behind, and all those other popular Christian trends that are fed to Christian consumers as are the trends that occur in the secular market. It sickens me how alike the two areas are, but that's another journal.
Along the lines of the last paragraph: there are extreme egos at the college level I don't want to deal with. I can't stand it. And I have an ego myself that I want to kill, destroy, exterminate, insert-method-of-destruction-word-here ASAP. I can't stand this. Some people may say I don't have a complex, but they can't see inside my mind. I hide things well. And no matter what anyone says, I have standards I've set for myself that I won't be satisfied with until I've reached those standards...i.e. standards for amount of ego(zero, zilch, none allowed), etc. I may stumble in those goals, but stumbling is different than existing with a constant sin. Ego = pride kids.
Still along the lines of the paragraph before last, I want to be in the crowd with the hxc, punk, underground whatever scene. The artistic kids who are all about being real with God, and not necessarily about church itself. The relationship matters, not the attendance, though worship with other Christians is important. These people I speak of don't blindly accept stuff: they think for themselves, and they just seem to me to be so much better off spiritually than the people I see in standard youth groups. Of course, there are exceptions to both sides, but I'm speaking generally.
I'd also like to serve people, like work in a soup kitchen or something. I feel like I'm neglecting all of those verses about helping the poor.
Some people may call me foolish, but I want to trust God more, and that includes financially. It just seems to me that putting getting a "good job" as a priority is a cop-out to my faith in God. I want to trust Him completely. Some Bible verses that have always stuck with me from the first reading of them, ones that have become a strong part of my belief system that no one will be able to change any time soon:
Mark 10:21-25
Mark 8:34-38
Matthew 6:25-34
Matthew 7:13-14
Luke 16:19-31
And this one I just discovered but it really expresses what I want my motivation for this to be: Mark 10:29-30
All of the above verses, I believe, can be taken literally. I feel that ignoring those, or failing to integrate them fully into my life is a huge mistake, since Jesus specifically mentions things that he shows by example are very important to your spiritual well-being, and even determination of your entering the narrow gate or not.
Not to leave out the opposing arguments, I'll just list them briefly here:
1.)I won't have enough time outside of work to do things I want to(i.e. band, develop artistic skills, etc.)
2.)College is not as hard as I think it will be.
3.)I'm a fool to not secure your monetary status in case of emergency, or for peace of mind.
4.)It's hard to make a living at an artistic job(band, graphics, etc.).
5.)What if you find a girl to get married to? Where will your financial security be?
There're some others, but I'm pretty tired right now so I can't really think of them at the moment.
A lot of the conflict boils down to the immovable issue of faith. Those who doubt my decision believe in securing things, not necessarily in excess, but at least to be safe in case of emergencies or an unexpected turn of future events. I'm leaning more and more every day to putting this decision in the hands of God. He said (I think I listed the verse above) to not worry about what tomorrow will bring because He will provide for us. I'm coming to accept that more and more daily as literal truth. Anyone who disagrees with me at this point (as I just described the two viewpoints) is disagreeing fundamentally with me, and there is no possibility of me being persuaded to their view. It's like a Buddhist trying to convert me to Buddhism(no offense intended, of course): it simply would not work. It may plant some doubts in my mind and cause a few struggles, but I just can't agree with them enough to change my view. I hope I don't sound stuck up there: I may not even have that strong of a belief, it's just that I'm at the least very stubborn about certain issues(this being one of them) and at best I guess I'm pretty strong in my faith; I'd lean more toward the least part though. A lot more toward it.
Well, I guess those are about the main things I can think of right now. It's hard to get the stuff out of my head and on paper...er into bits?
Eeek I think this took me like an hour. It'll probably take you longer to read it...if anybody does :)