It was hard, because she always hated going to the vet, and we could comfort her before, knowing after the shot was over, she'd be on her way home to get a treat. She shook in the waiting room this time, but I felt cheap for comforting her when I knew things weren't going to be all right this time, and that she wouldn't be leaving with us.
We all stayed with her, but when they took her out to put an I.V. of anesthesia in her, I left before they brought her back. I couldn't watch the life leave her body, I feared her last gaze would be at me with those sad eyes of hers, and I didn't want to see her lifeless corpse lying there on the table when it was finished. I also have problems with thinking about anesthesia that were started when they knocked me out to get my wisdom teeth pulled. It was cowardice, I'm sure, but I'll have to live with it now. The hardest part was probably the fact that this little innocent dog was trusting us to take care of her, and we ended her life, despite the fact that it was most likely the less painful way to go. Would it be more selfish to deprive her of life or keep her living in great pain? Does this question apply equally to humans as to animals, and if not, why not?
The whole fact of her departure is only now hitting me, late at night when my parents are asleep. I no longer have to worry about waking her with some noise I make. I remember when my parents would go out of town, and she would be anxious right up until bedtime, waiting to jump at the slightest noise she heard, at which time she would trot out to the door to the garage to await their entry. This time it's me waiting for her return, that she would fill this loneliness with her presence, but I know she will never come back, and the bad feeling in my gut tells me I'm right. If she has a soul, I know where it'll be, but it's still hard.
RIP Sparky. :_(